inte
tack för ingenting min vänner. du är inte bra kompisar. jag tycker inte om fredag kvällen. jag kan inte sova. jag är trött. mycket trött.
Worry, worried, worrier
I can’t stop worrying. I do it all the time. I worry about whether I remembered to turn off the coffee pot (it turns itself off). I worry about whether my shoes will stay tied or not (I double knot the laces). I worry about whether my key will work when I try to get into the building at night (it really never does anymore). I worry irrationally and I worry rationally. Any way you look at it, I’m a worrier. I wake up in the morning with a sense of worry and go to bed at night worrying about all the things I hadn’t had time to worry about during the day. I just worry, worry, worry. I worry about what I’ve eaten each day (at this point, I should be able to just reward myself). I worry about what my friends think of me for leaving (they’ve told me they’re proud and happy for me). I worry. I worry about my grades (they’re way above average these days). I worry about my job (it’s going nowhere and neither am I). I just plain worry. At this very moment, I worry that I am spelling the word “worry” incorrectly (they all begin to look strange after a while). I worry that if I don’t stop worrying, I’ll worry myself into a state of perpetual worriedness and weariness (I probably already have).
Blue January
Everything about January is blue. Crayola should name a crayon after the whole month. The snow gives everything a bluish tint, even in the middle of the day. The glaring white of a fresh snowfall has bits of blue reflected from the sky. The old snow has a bluish grey tint after the children are done sculpting it into snow-people and they’ve finished their long day of sledding. Almost all of my winter clothes are blue. I don’t know why, I just tend to wear blue in the winter, maybe somewhere deep down I think blue looks good with snow. My mood is even blue. Blue is just the color of January. Of course, it’s not January’s fault at all. My birthday is 6 months away from January. The novelty of my current age has long since worn off, and I’m not close enough to the next year of my life to be excited. I am most dependent and independent in January. Funny how that happens. I’m living at my parents house in January, so I’m dependent on them for things I know I can do myself. Yet, I am a solitary being. I don’t have a single friend here in White Bear anymore. They are all in Minneapolis, or North St. Paul, or Winona. I was told that I need to make being more independent while also putting my foot down about things a New Year’s resolution. I’m not sure I quite understand. I think I’m fairly independent most months out of the year, and I’m extremely assertive when I need to be. I simply don’t see the logic in fighting every battle that comes my way. It’s just easier to walk away and to compromise. Maybe that’s why I was told to put my foot down. The person who told me this, is one of the few people who I feel like I could never put my foot down around. I feel inferior quite often, and that does not give me the confidence I need to stand up for myself. This is just a vicious circle. A vicious blue circle. I’m told I look good in blue. I think the people who have told me this were talking about the color, not the mood. Unfortunately for the world, I wear the mood more than the color in the month of January. January is all about blue.
After almost one semester..
Let’s take a look at where I’m at..
-I am, for the first time in 2 and a half years, finally in a good housing situation. I get along with my roommates, the people who own the building are super nice and always willing to solve any problems we have (including moving us to a nicer building to solve our incredible mouse problem). I get along with my roommates fairly well and so far, I don’t have stupid reasons to dislike any of them. This is a very good thing.
-I am in a serious and loving (although long distance) relationship. I have never been happier and I have never felt such strong feelings of love for anyone. Ever. He is (not to sound corny or anything) the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t thank him enough for all he has done for me, but he also doesn’t seem to want me to. I owe this guy nothing but my love in return for his. This is a very good thing.
-I am doing well academically. I enjoy all of my classes and I have not had any of that end of semester panic about my grades, papers or projects. This is a very good thing.
-I do miss my old friends and my old life sometimes. It has been happening more in the last weeks. Sometimes, I just wish I could be doing homework at Mugby with the comforting knowledge that when I’m there, I almost certainly will run into several friends. I really miss that. This is a somewhat sad thing.
-I have grown up. I am not the same person I was when I left Winona. I am much more mature and I feel like I understand things in a completely different (and better, more responsible) way. I still have things that get to me and and I realize I’m being dumb, but for the most part, I have grown up. This is a very good thing.
-I might add more to this list in the next week and a half as I finish my first semester at home. I really feel like I’ve found the place I belong and I couldn’t be happier. This is a very good thing.
It’s been almost a month
It has been almost a month since I admitted the truth to myself and to the two people I trust most in this world. It has been almost a month since I last wrote publicly. It has been almost a month and I am beginning to feel whole again. I have experienced certain things the way I should have been experiencing them all along. I have come to accept my past and to begin to move on. I have tried to be that person I want to be. The funny thing is, this time.. It worked. I really am moving on, I really am being myself and loving who I am. I can’t take all the credit. I can’t take most of the credit. Those two people who helped me so much (sometimes without even realizing it), they’re the ones who deserve the credit. They of course would tell me that this was a huge personal thing I had to get over on my own, and yeah, they might be right. I just couldn’t have done it as bravely or as efficiently without them. I’m looking forward in my life now and I’m loving me. I haven’t written in a while because this blog or journal or whatever you want to call it, is titled “My little escape from reality.” I haven’t needed to escape. Reality is where I’ve needed to live, and I’m so glad I did. Maybe it’s time for me to start thinking about a new title for this. For me. For the place I keep my thoughts.
Protected: Losing sensation
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Haunted
I am haunted by a ghost from my past. I tried so hard not to see it. I pretended it wasn’t there. If I couldn’t see it, it didn’t exist. Now though, it’s time to move on. A rarely told story, two years old but I’m finally facing it for the first time. Why is this so hard? It shouldn’t be. Well, yes. It should be. I’m not fine. I’m not fine at all. Nothing gives anybody the right to act that way, and nobody deserves to be treated that way. I wish I knew where to go from here.
Rainy Tuesdays freak me out
I don’t know why it’s Tuesday that does this to me. Or why the rain bugs me so much. I just want to cry. I hate the weather influencing my mood so severely. Also I have a migraine coming on. I can feel it building. The pressure in the atmosphere and the lack of sunshine really freaks me out. I’m counting down the minutes until I’m free to go back to bed. 114. This weather is no good, yet I realized last night that I am over 90% happy with every aspect of my life. How cool is that? I think it’s a pretty rare thing. Yeah, the stuff I wrote about last night contradicts this statement, but what girl doesn’t worry about that stuff?
Perfecting perfection
Is it possible to really perfect perfection? Can I make myself so perfect I’m beyond perfect? I doubt it. I know for a fact it’s impossible. I can try though, and I will. I need to be the person I want to be, and the person I want to be is thin, beautiful, smart, brave and confident. So how do I get there? Lots of exercise, studying, faking it and very little junk food. Right? Can the equation be that simple? I doubt it. Right now my brain can’t even focus on one concept. I can’t write in complete. Sentences. I’m not sure why, it’s just happening that way. Maybe it’ll come back to me when I’ve become that person I want to be. That person I used to be. Where did that person go? I feel like I’m closer to her every day though, so that has to be good.. right?
The greatest feeling
I am in love and it is the greatest feeling in the world. I know this year was supposed to be about me but maybe who I am now includes being in love. I never thought I could trust anyone enough to be in love like this again but I’ve been proved wrong. I’ve never been so happy to be wrong before.
